I’m living but I don’t feel alive

Let’s start with a disclaimer. *I’m fine. Don’t be alarmed by this. If anything, feel hope as you read my words because this is me identifying something inside of me that needs mending. I’m well aware of the hole in my life that needs to be filled, both for my sake and those around me.

Paralyzed.

(of a person or part of the body) partly or wholly incapable of movement.

That’s what I am feeling. The weekend arrives and I need to feel alive. I need to do something other than sit on the couch and think of everything else I would rather be doing. However, I can’t get up. I can’t get dressed. I scroll through Facebook and Instagram to vicariously live through everyone else. When he’s around, I live. When he’s not, I’m paralyzed. That leads me to my next feeling..

Fear.

I am afraid to do anything by myself. Sadly, that’s usually the outcome when I need/want to do anything; me needing or wanting to do something and no one’s around. My sisters (God-given friends) grew up, have kids and full schedules. Friends got sick of me making excuses for why I cannot come out, so I was replaced and forgotten. So, it’s usually just me. When he’s here, it’s him and I or him and I and his friends.

Fear sucks the life out of me. Fear stops me. Fear tells me I can’t. Fear tells me I am not capable.

*moment of tears*

Now I know that I am being honest because the tears were inevitable in that last moment. Now we’re getting to the good stuff.

The roots.

Somehow, fear has ALWAYS won in my life. When I was young, my parents would run into the gas station and I would scream as they left me in the car. They didn’t do that to punish me. At times, I really think they were trying to break me out of that horrible habit. I would immediately climb in the back seat onto the floor and hide so no one around could see me. I always thought someone was going to break in and take me.

When I would be home alone, all the doors would be locked and I wouldn’t go outside. If anyone pulled into the driveway I would immediately call the cops. Even if it turned out to be UPS or FEDEX. I always thought someone was going to pull in, break in and take me.

My friends made fun of me a lot for being so afraid. When we would walk from the mall to the movie theatre, I would be TERRIFIED. They hated handing out with someone so paranoid.

One day, when I was in elementary school, I swore that a van kept passing by and staring at me so I ran back up to the house and missed the bus.

When we were getting our roof replaced by a random guy, I cried to my mom and dad because I got a bad feeling about him. I thought he was going to get me.

Growing up, my nightmares were always that I was kidnapped. Someone was always trying to get me.

Now, when I am home alone, I lock all doors. Even when I go into my bedroom, the door gets locked behind me. When I take a shower, the bedroom door is locked, the bathroom door is locked, the alarm system is on and my phone is next to the shower. That way, when he breaks in, I will be able to hear it and at least call someone. The alarm is always on. I never go outside. I will not even take the trash out.

Afraid.

I am afraid of writing this blog post because people will judge me. It’s terrifying to expose yourself. People will judge him for wanting to be with me. People will say he deserves better, like they already have.

G, Thank you for loving me. I love you so much. Wasn’t that the point of love? To bring our struggles together, the same with our strengths, and save each other?

Really, it feels amazing to write this. I feel like life was just breathed into me. I feel like healing is on the other side of diagnosis.

I am afraid of living and doing anything involved with it. I am so afraid of everything. My life’s philosophy is, if it can happen, it will surely happen to me.

What I believe.

I believe we will ALL face something in our lives that will make or break us. Mine is fear. Just because I believe in God, doesn’t mean I will not have fear. Though I shouldn’t. That’s the last feeling I should have. They say, “do not be afraid”, is written in the Bible 365 times. I do not know that for sure but if it is, how ironic.

God will be my savior when I fully allow Him to be. Don’t blame Him, this is my fault. I control what I feed my mind, my soul, my heart. I control what I allow to come into my life. After all, I think He’s the reason I am sitting here writing this.

The make or break us part is up to us.

I can tell you, we weren’t meant to be broken, we were meant to be strengthened by our individual battles. Some of us never learn how to see that reality before it’s too late.

I see it. Giving up isn’t an option for me. It used to be but as my fear grew so did my hopefulness.

I’ve just had a hard time dealing with all the life that is captivated inside of me. I give so much power to fear and discredit my God.

Sometimes, you can’t walk around it. Sometimes…you must find your way through it.

Which brings me to this.

My Fear Challenge

I am going to list out some things that might seem small to you but are huge to me. Things that I have been wanting to do but have been afraid to do them. This is my way of telling fear that you can be in the car, but you can no longer drive.

Because, fear will always be here. It’s a matter of how much control I allow it to have over my life.

We are all given challenges. They are meant to strengthen us. They are our story and our stories are meant to be told.

So, here’s a list of fears I am going to overcome in the next few weeks. Some may take longer. I can do this! I will update this blog as I go along :D

Fear Challenges:

• Write a blog about my fear & start a fear challenge. 🌟 done and done!
• Ride my bike by myself.
• Plant flowers in the front yard.
• Go to a Lakeland Creative Makers meet-up.
• Somehow, be myself in a situation where I would be afraid to. 🌟 my meeting today!
• Drive my car with the windows down.
• Read a book outside.
• Go to a friend’s house.
• Invite family over.
• Plan a girl’s night out.
• Go to the gym and do an actual workout, don’t just walk on the treadmill.
• Get on the elevator with other people and actually say hi. 🌟 this morning!
• Go eat outside by yourself, without an invitation.
• Go for a walk around a lake. 🌟 right now
• Go paint outside.
• Keep going to school. Stop being afraid of working towards something you will not have tomorrow.
• *Guys, this is a big one and I hesitated putting it on here.* Ride the Orlando Eye.

What is controlling your life? What is sucking the life out of you? From what, do you need to take back control? Join me. Take back your life.

I love you. Whoever you are.